Trinket
05.30.05 (10:54 pm) [edit]Swallow me moon,
Into the night,
The trinket strown,
I once held tight,
A jaded piece,
Upon my breast,
To smell at least,
With all my breath,
Into myself,
That scent of you,
Hear you tell,
Of love so true,
Chest to head,
Behind the dark,
I once bled,
And heard your heart.
Recent Blog Site
05.22.05 (6:40 pm) [edit]Since I am moving from another blog to this one, I decided I should bring my writings here so that I don't loose them.
Please be patient with this entry because it is very long, it's everything from my other site.
.:SafeHouse:.
Friday 04.01.05 [10:09 pm]
Coldness entraps my ears
To silence of the safehouse.
Quietly rocking to the humming,
Humming that song of the broken heart.
So how do you protect
What has already been broken ?
And how do you keep that which
Has already been stolen?
And which way to find
That which is lost?
Alone in the quiet
Safe from the outside intrusion,
Safe from all that can harm,
Secretly listening for that knock,,,
That knock that you so dread and so long for.
Hot Water
Sunday 03.20.05 [1:01 pm]
A simple gesture,
Gliding the sharp instrument across your skin.
Your hand guiding mine,
Instructing me,
As an artist teaches his apprentice.
Varied brush strokes...
Trusting me with the razor sharp tool upon your neck.
Hot water...
... I remember....
Daydreaming in the steam.
My mind wonders to the color red
And the force of the blade into your flesh.
... back to reallity...
and wet skin...
I run my fingers across your warm wet skin,
To make sure I haven't missed a spot.
My mouth waters at the memory of the taste of your blood.
I can almost smell it....
And I cannot resist the urge to place a kiss upon you.
Mental Masturbation
Saturday 03.19.05 [10:17 pm]
Mental masturbation and emotional ejaculation,
The warm fluid silky smooth.
Caressing the deepest follicles of my sanity,
Tantallizing the hardened membrane of my brain.
Softly rolling off your tongue,
Those sensual words of word.
Sending my thoughts and ideologies
Into full spasms of exctacy.
Collapsing into a state of morbid rest,
Content and satisfied in my mental orgasms,
I sleep.
Emily's Ghost
Sunday 02.13.05 [10:42 pm]
In a stiffened state of morbid bliss,
I felt your cold immortal kiss,
Across the years and from the grave,
Your tales of death, my heart did sway.
A written clue as to who was you,
And how I felt as though I knew.
Indeed you knew that I would come,
And left your words from the beyond,
To be your voice, that all would hear,
Your singing soul, which sings so dear.
Oh, how I wish that I could kiss
Those hands in all their perfectness,
Which spilt those words which touch my heart,
And rendered this immortal art.
So in my dreams I hear you sing,
Of death, of life,,, of loving things.
Until reluctantly awoke,
And so of your words, I then wrote,
Of how your life has touched my soul,
And of the words that your ghost spoke.
Haunting Regret
Saturday 01.29.05 [10:04 pm]
I saw him in a moment.
Enchanting dark eyes,
With his innocent smile.
And his soul spoke to me...
Through his deep eyes,
An expression beckoned me...
"Save Me"...
And that evil voice within my ear,
Spoke so clear...
"Take Him"...
...And I wanted to...
To take him and have him,
To the point of obsession.
I wanted this dark prince,
To call him my own,
For all to have known.
Knowing full well of my dark intent.
Guilt and pain full in my chest.
Agony and grief,,,
I don't want to lose him.
I wish to love him completely,
Yet I turn away,
That he would be saved.
Guilt swallows me up,
Deep into that deep sea of regret.
I have become evil.
I have wronged him.
I have wronged her.
And I have wronged the helpless,
The innocent bystanders unaware.
Unaware that evil has touched their life.
But soon they will,,,
And I shall be revealed.
Seen for the loathsome creature
That I am.
And perhaps I shall feel peace.
Peace in that I am seen,
The vile corupt being that I am,
No longer able to hide,
No longer able to hurt anyone.
But until then,
I shall remain haunted by my regret.
.:Nonexistent:.
Sunday 01.23.05 [1:42 pm]
I know he's there, waiting for me.
Just as he has always been.
Watching me from a distance,
Evaluating me until he decides to take me.
Laughing that deep chaotic laugh,
As he finds humor in the things I find important.
Trivial things to him, that are only a temporary
Amusement, but life to me.
A game piece I have become.
Entertaining and disposable.
And it sickens and angers me altogether,
That I have become so insignificant so suddenly.
But I am...
And the day will come that I am of no use any longer.
The day will come that he has tired from his preoccupation with me, and I am dismissed into darkness.
Along with the others.
Into eternity and nothingness.
Waiting my turn here, knowing that each day
Is just one more day closer to the end,
And all that has led up to this point in my life,
Means absolutely nothing.
My memories, my love, my passions, my thoughts, all of my theologies and observations on this life will pass into darkness with me, becoming nothing.
Nonexitent...
I will be nonexistent..
But he will continue his infatuations elsewhere and always remain...
...To play the game.
Last Poetic Kiss
Thursday 01.20.05 [8:23 pm]
Enchanting verb upon lips,
Can kill you with a single kiss...
Or give you life if that's her choice,
Her beautiful poetic voice.
Calming, soothing or a gasp,
Depending how you cross her path.
A bewitching spell to reel you in,
And keep you coming back again.
And when you leave you will admit,
You need that last poetic kiss....
~Smile~
hugs and kisses
Happy New Year
Saturday 01.01.05 [9:24 pm]
It seems that here I am once more,,
At the beginning and the end.
And I gaze upon the glow of past and future.
An odd place to be...
Wouldn't you think?
Yet here I am, and Time is an inescapable persuer.
Ticking away, or more so slipping away.
As it unravels in front of me, aparitions of a sort of dream.
Dream... why is it that I stay in this sense?
Why can I not escape it?
Knowing it slips and yet I cannot grasp it.
Passing continuously as a stream.
I could place my foot into the water and feel it rush between my toes.
I could stand here and watch it flow on forever.
Floating by, I feel a false sense of safety.
Pretending I am safe from drowning in it
As long as I stay on shore.
Knowing well that I am convincing myself
My lungs are not already filled with water.
As I float downstream with all the others.
Floating away to be deposited into something bigger
Somewhere between here and the end.
As my last end diminishes out of sight,
I feel numb, sick and tired of endings and beginnings.
Waiting for that stop sign at the end of a road
That never ends.
No turn, no passing, no rest areas...
But eventually it will start all over again...
Another beginning...
Torturing circle.
.:The Sacrifice:.
Sunday 12.05.04 [11:40 pm]
I have spent what seems like an Eternity,
Waiting to be found.
In a single instant, I am lost again.
Loosing myself so that I may be found.
The blade is hot, yet it sooths not my wounds.
Taking the knife to carve a perfect heart shape
Upon my chest.
The metal feels soothing to the pain.
The bloodloss brings relief.
Taking the bloody organ that pumps full with the life,
That I have grown so to hate.
With the hot blade, I divide it into two,
And watch the warm red liquid flow out into the cold,
Freezing and turning black,
Until the ice has covered the entire sacrifice,
Breaking and shattering into a million tiny ashy particles.
Pain and agony cover me,
And I die.
Falling into a dream.
The stiff organ between my legs.
Skin on skin.
Sweat and muffled noises.
I see us...
It's me,,, or it was me,,, when I was me.
Lips pressed against lips.
I can remember breathing you in.
I am drifting away now,
Falling even deeper into death,
Roses, candles, graveyards, and laughter,
Your reflection in my reflection,
Destracts my attention and I feel alive again.
Falling further into death,
Smiles, blood, touches, your hand in mine,
I lie with you doing nothing in perfect happiness,
Your arms feel as my arms,
And for the first time in forever I feel safe again.
Falling deeper into death.
All is darkness,,,
Quiet,,, Cold...
I wish I could put the two pieces back again.
To feel the warmth again...
... and I fall....
shattered pieces
Saturday 11.27.04 [9:29 pm]
Shattered pieces... shuffling through what used to be.
It's me,,, I think,,, at least there is something that reminds me of me,,, but not me.
a reflection... a portrait of happiness, scattered upon the dirt, barely recognizable, but remembered.
I want so to pick up a piece,,, why I don't know.. to keep a piece of myself perhaps... or maybe to slit my wrist with it, and end this journey that has took a turn toward misery.
Sacrifice... loosing everything you ever wanted, to have what you wanted, but now your not sure what you want. Twisted Irony...
That fate would throw me into the arms of someone and then not let us be together... fate's sick dementia... to hurt us?
Or was it me? I think so...
It is me who's mind is so twisted...
I don't know.. anything.
So beautiful you sit in front of me,,, everything I want, but I can't have, so I let you go.
Walking away my soul ripped apart knowing that one day you will have all that I wanted to have with you.
But some part of me is happy that you will be happy.
And I wake myself up from the dream of you. And return to reallity.
Obsession
Sunday 11.14.04 [7:09 pm]
I just want you utterly and completely.
To be a part of you.
To become nonexistent as if I was but am no more, but as something else... something more.
I feel as if every breath I breathe is because of you. Almost as you are that energy which gives me the strength to take it. So that in a sense, you, are that which is, and causes life for me.
To be encompassed, obessessed, consumed, and enthralled. To lie in your blood and soak every drop of its red splendor into myself and become you, or vice versa. I would so as much love to slit my wrists and have you take me into you, so that I should become you.
I am captivated, mezmerized, intrigued, and infatuated with your every detail. I smell you and I breath you in and hold that scent so that I may never know any other scent. I see you, and I find your image etched inside my mind so that when I close my eyes, you are all I see.
I look into your eyes, and I become bewitched so that I am tormented in their absence and seek helplessly for the comfort that I find in them.
I feel you, and form an addiction to your touch that without I suffer and withdraw to the point I feel I might be dying.
I love you, to the point I would live a loveless life if not a loving life in your arms. A love that would be better to be alone and in love with a memory as to be with another and longing for that which I have not. I love you entirely and all I want is to be with you and to be as obessessed with you as I can be, for as long as forever will see it.
.:Release:.
Sunday 11.14.04 [3:57 pm]
A steady drip, I steadily slip,
Silence,,, save for the echo of each drop.
A slit wrist, against your fist,
Pray the blood not stop.
Heated hands, the burning sands,
Slow motion, the cold slips in.
Shivering, shaking, morbid lovemaking,
I see it down there,,, the end.
Falling non-stop, drip, drip, drop,
Through darkness into relief,
And Oh, so it seems, I am only a dream,
A dream in a dream of this peace.
And as I escape life's cruel cherade,
To feel the crimsoned release,
Drop upon drop, and a final stop,
Then suddenly the maddness has ceased.
.:Blank Paper:.
Saturday 11.13.04 [9:15 pm]
Blank paper,,,
Invisible ink leaves a blood stained trail,
... eyes always watching me,
I know you're there,,,
Probing my thoughts, reading my secrets.
Finding the hidden message,
Which lies between the lines of lies.
Writing, writing, I write and write
Filling page after page,
Notebook upon notebook,
With inkless writings of nothing about everything,
Everything about nothing,
Nothing about something,,,
Something I need to say, but refuse.
Page after page, I write,
I write and you read,,,
Monotonous repetition of my condition.
I will hide it deeper,
So far inside the book,
That you will never find it ... me...
Deeper, deeper, so deep it seems
The page is blank.
The first word seems to be the last
And the last, the first, of nothing.
It's not a riddle nor a puzzle to solve.
Just a word between words
That you should not involve.
A gate just ahead,
Seems a quick escape before I'm discovered,
Running through these words,
Spilling ink and blood on the ground,,,
It's getting dark...
... I know you are here...
Your eyes pierce through me,
I feel them watching me.
Seeing me,,, here in darkness.
The gate seems an eternity away,
And will I pass the Keepers test?
Freedom from this dark place?
TheMoon
Monday 10.25.04 [12:53 am]
The moon in all it's brightness tonight cast that ever so dark light upon my soul, a feeling of falling. To be enough? To meet the expectations of the world and all that seem to find me shortcoming and insufficient.
I curse the moon and the day I found a dream in it. I would wish it to explode and fall into us destroying all that it brings it's lying promise to. The hope of the hopeless. The dream of those who sleep not. The breath of those who are buried.
The ever so gut wrenching truth that seems to stab me in the heart over and over after convincing myself otherwise stabs me again... I'm not good enough. A personal attack upon my person.
Will I ever be,,, for anyone? It's very doubtful. I should just accept the defeat and deminish into the shadow away from the moon rays and accept that almost etched in stone reallity that I am only common and unworthy. Instead I convince myself that I am special and beautiful, lying to myself in hopes that perhaps I am found worthy to bask in moonlight with the holy. Yet I stick out like a sore thumb, an ugly blemish on a world of beautiful women.
No more... I accept what and who I am.
.:Meloncholy:.
Monday 10.18.04 [7:14 pm]
Forgive me my meloncholy, love, but I am lost yet again in another rainy day. I am enchanted with heaven's water fall, and so for a time shall I stay. Bewitched with this dance so that all that is in existence from me could pass away. But soon I shall return, for soon this dance will end, then to lifes bed I will again lay. And dream of rain and thunderstorms to come, and for their comfort pray.
Tom
Tuesday 10.12.04 [4:31 am]
TOM
And so for death you sit in wait,
Yet death will pass you by,
But how I pray it find you soon,
And torture you to die.
Twisted mind of a twisted soul,
loves to twist the mind of those,
For the game of illdignified love,
Is entertaining your black soul.
And so you sit and laugh at me,
With the whore with whom you sleep.
And have me doubt myself once more,
When all was true in me.
Pretending to all of good intent,
Preforming the part of a just man.
But the evil cannot pretend he's good,
For soon he slips again.
And all along the path he trips us,
In hopes his path will ease,
In hopes in some twisted sense,
A better mirrored image he see's.
But all do see his ugly self,
The lies and demented way.
Of making others feel their worse,
For to mask his hidden shame.
He is the evil one who walks,
And with demon is possessed,
And his only purpose is to hurt,
With this he is obsessed.
So wait for death or if you wish,
Seek it out and for one time...
Do the world and all of love,
The favor and just die.
I fucking hate you, I hope you die!!!
.:Storm:.
Saturday 10.09.04 [6:12 pm]
Here it is the midnight hour,
On the dark night of the soul.
And the storm rages.
Growing stronger and more powerful,
As I grow weaker and without.
The wind turns the pages.
The book I read,
Alone in bed,
I held my head,
Wished I were dead.
A memory of together...
A laugh, a smile, a joking remark,
Your hands upon me strong,
The scent of skin, a happy day,
To know what it felt like... "together".
.. I hear the storm rage on.
The Bitter Lovers
Saturday 10.09.04 [5:31 pm]
The dawn brought death,
The night did fly,
And as I lie and cry for you to die,
I saw you dead.
Your pretty head,
This poem I read,
And so you said,
"Bury me deep into the night",
And so I did, with much delight,
Into the dark, cold quiet.
And covered you in rich soil,
That sooner would your body spoil,
And then began your corpse to rot,
Then fed the earth from with your plot,
To spring a rose bush from the ground,
Then cover me and pull me down,
Beneath the earth to your death bed,
To lie beside your pretty head.
I held you to my bosom near,
And read a poem for you to hear,
Upon your love I once more cried,
To join my love,,, and so I died.
A Literal Offense
Tuesday 09.28.04 [5:37 pm]
Letter by letter, word by word, line by line, Until my inner self is spilt within these pages. ... and you mock me... This is me, here and now, a part of me, In each and every drop of this ink, .... and you belittle it... My feeling, my fear, my thoughts, Dreams, ambition, desires, all that is me, ... and you degrade it with iinsult... Perhaps in your mind poetry has messed me up. Perhaps I do live in lines of a poem. But I disagree... In my mind it is the poem that lives with me, I give it life and freedom with release, How dare you mock me... You do not have to accept me, It suffers me in the least. I would only hope to be seen for that which I am, And see you for that which you are. So why do you hide? Hiding away from me, When I am here in full view for you to persecute... Why is it,, that when you look at me,,, you don't look at me... When you look at me, you don't look at me?
Poetry
Monday 09.27.04 [11:52 am]
Ash Hopper
It's an enchanting thing to bask in moonlight.
The nights when it shines so bright
That you can see everything
In that spellbinding glow.
To dance beneath the trees,
In and out of shadows
Disappearing into darkness
Then emerging again to rejoin the stars.
The grass beneath my feet
Watching the gentle breeze
In the willow as the moon
Breaks free and is seemingly
Only just beyond its swaying branches.
Almost close enough to touch.
The air filled with scents of autum,
And in the midnight whispers
Of chirping crickets and singing tree frogs.
It feels almost like a sheltered captivity
Comforting and protecting in the silence
Away from all mortal invasion...
And yet with a distinct awarness of discovery,,,
I am here...
Sleep
Sleep,,,
I long to sleep... To have peace in my mind.
A settled spirit seems an unreachable destination.
The comfort of having my heart rest from its'
Meloncholied emotional journeys for a time.
To simply sleep and dream...
To dream that sleeping dream.
I would sleep with the stars on a bed made of moon.
Or simply locked away in darkness with no door
To place the metal key.
A satin bed with a wooden top
Burried deep beneath the discovery of any human...
Just to sleep
Death and Passion
Both experiences that can be pushed to darkness
Death and darkness
Passion and darkness
Would I be necro to want to mix the two?
I feel,,, no.
To reallize one's mortality and one's immortality
In combination with one's desires.
To wish to carry one's passion into the beyond.
Is not a morbid thing I think.
Only a reallization that there is darkness in both
And embracing it can only further my mortal experiences
Blood
And my mind is filled with life...
Thoughts of blood...
The sound of a heartbeat,
The vein that pulses upon your neck.
The warmth of your fingertips,
The hardened appendage that flows full with it.
Blood...
That dark metallic taste upon my lips,
The scent consuming me to uncontrolled hunger.
The velvet feel, soaked upon my skin.
Taking life into me that I will possess,,,
Even into my death.
Church Bell
The Church Bell echoes in the distance,,, with each toll I feel that underlying message as the blood rushes from my heart leaving me witha cold sense of fear...
Hell is coming...
Another reminder that I walk around knowing that Death waits just around the corner of a turn I'm soon to make.
A Writers Thoughts on Love
Love... an invention not yet invented yet demonstorized and terrorized by a society full of loveless entrepeneaurs Who are obsessed with it's possession.
"To own that which no one else has."
The Passionate Professor
Wednesday 09.22.04 [5:00 pm]
Is it death, that stabbing breeze,
Cuts me like a knife.
Love, it is night, just as Peck said.
The land of the dead,
Holds my love tight.
Perhaps not, Perhaps so.
What does the heart know?
To journey there and back again.
A fools proof is only an idea,
And thus a wise man's the flower
Which blooms within your hand.
To suffer confusion at all cost,
An intricate thing is the mind.
A secret is here, a riddle more so,
The Passionate Professor will know.
Red on Gray
Saturday 09.11.04 [1:39 am]
I am happy to be here with you. Here in this place where I am all alone. Poisoning my mind, you, peculiar memory that seems to linger as a disease that has no cure.
I cut my wrists today, just to see the color red and taste the bittersweet essence of life upon my tongue. A beautiful dark shade against all of this gray and nothingness. Sitting there watching the splatters on the ground create a beautiful work of art. At first in vibrant glossy color and then eventually drying to dark almost black in this darkness as I lingered there watching, unable to move my eyes from it.
I reached out to feel it upon my fingertips as if to prove to myself it does actually exist. I felt the crust of it's dryness and in saddness I withdrew my touch.
Idiots Murmer
Monday 08.02.04 [12:58 am]
A fool am I or should I say, The murmerings of an idiots part to play. Alone in the dark, for all to see, Thus I guess it's blind I be. I thought I was here, but it seems I am there, Yet again in the midst of nowhere. Just another day to be the end, The day that does not yet begin. Who are you there, and for what and why, Keep believing I believe your lies, And keep your expectations of me, The things you know you cannot be. Give and take, take and steal... Something that I thought was real. In the dark, alone and blind,,, But I can hear you in the night- Pretending that pretending lie... And the idiots murmering murmer I...
Mirrored Image
Monday 08.02.04 [12:48 am]
A sarcastic grin upon your lips, Blood upon your hands. Not mine, but mine, I and me, The mirrored image that you see. The hurtless hurt one that you bled, Layed in the dirt and left for dead. I knew you cut me, without the stick, I knew you fucked me, the fuckless dick. And now you kiss the lifeless hand, Thinking that your now a man. Knowing what it is I am, you know what I am not. I was and I can be but I won't, As I did and I should do but I don't, Allow your lying heart to touch,,, This reflection can so suit you much. So bleed and tear, rip and kill, Whatever does your black heart thrill, And I will remain within myself, Protected here upon this shelf.
Genie In A Bottle
Sunday 08.01.04 [4:54 pm]
Shadows, shadows on my wall...
I heard that song today,
Messing with my head, invading my mind with your memory.
A wonderful feeling to remember you, but painful enough to not do.
That song captivating me, releasing me from reallity to the place that used to be reallity with you.
The lights low, I feel your hands on my hips, as our bodies move rythmically and so perfectly together.
The music pulsating through the speakers, I look at you and smile and you laugh spinning me around.
I feel your hard chest against my back and now your hands move down my arms, holding my hands for a moment, then onto my waist... all the time moving to the music...
You whisper in my ear... telling me that I smell good...
And I think to myself how wonderful you smell...
I turn around to see your beautiful smile,,, and we take each others hands and continue to dance.
I remembered you holding me and how warm and inviting you were...
I remember your eyes, how they sparkled with life and love...
I remembered your smile, the way I looked for it when I entered the room, and nothing else mattered once I saw your face.
I remembered how crazy I was about you, and how beautiful you were to me.
I thought of you today....
I do often...
Rest in Peace my Beautiful Angel, I will remember you always.
Lonely
Sunday 07.25.04 [9:40 pm]
I have an empty feeling in the middle of my heart.
I'm tired of being alone...
I need someone I can depend on to be here for me.
To have a family, holidays, nightly routine together, shared responsibilities and someone to carry some of this worry with me.
Anniversaries, a summer vegetable garden, pictures of us and our changes through the years hung on the wall when I'm seventy.... memories.
Someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I'm scared or worried.
Someone to help me with the kids school, to come home to and spill out our frustrations to each other of our work day. To hug and know that no matter what happened, it's all better now.
To know that when I'm finished with whatever I'm having to face during the day, I have someone to greet at the end of it.
Routine, comfort, contentment, familiararity, and everything that comes with sharing your life with someone whom you trust and love deeply.
And I'm not impatient... I don't want to settle, I want to know that I have these things with the right person... but it doesn't stop me from sitting here at night when everything is quiet, wishing I was curled up on the couch with my loved one, the kids in the bed after a great movie night, talking about anything, everything, and nothing with the person I am spending the rest of my life with....
It doesn't stop me from being lonely just because I'm in love...
I am in love... but I'm still doing all of this alone... I still don't have the famliy I sought out to have.
Tick Tick... I hear it in my mind... way back there... not my biological clock... but time,,, time itself slipping away from me... and remembering the time I've already spent.. the years I've put into trying to build a family to watch it fall apart each time in a moment, what took so long to build so easily is destroyed in an instant.. and I'm left with,,, lost time... again.
I've never felt my age... I've always felt young.. but the past several months I have felt old. It seemed that I had plenty of time... parties, hanging, clubs, another dead end date that I dumped, no problem, I was at the peak in my life that I could chill so it was ok...
but the last several months it seems not to be so. What makes such a difference? Just a few months on top of years, and I'm sooo old?
What happened to last year? It was like.. awesome...
Its a funny thing... time...
I didn't go to college... but it doesn't matter... it did back then.... I would like to.. but only for my own personal reasons... to expand on things I am interested in. But it's not what I focus on... I'm focused on family. Perhaps then it's all I could see because I was young and I didn't see beyond that... and now I see that I spent time thinking I had missed out on something when I didn't. And it's ok now if it works out that I could take some classes and if not... I'm no less of a person if I don't.
Perhaps these few months have been the beginning of my transition through that change of life we are all doomed to go through...
Perhaps not... perhaps I just see things that I've went through in a different perspective now that it's the past and behind me... and maybe I see things as important to me now that weren't so before...
I know that sitting at home tonight,,, I feel lonely.... and when I look at the past ten years... I have been so for the most part, when you consider what time I was in a relationship was wasted time, I find I am here... more alone now than I was when I was seventeen.
And when I wake up in the morning... I will get up,,, get ready for work, get the kids up, get them to my Mom's, go through my day... make a phone call to my boyfriend to tell him how much I miss him and love him,,, take my kids home and prepare supper,,, settle them into a routine to get ready for school to start back, and sit here again just as tonight,,, think about bills, think about the kids school coming up, think about when I was married and how much easier it was, miss it, write a little bit about my feelings and remember reading books at about this time with my husband before bed, and get ready to go to bed alone again. Not that I miss the person I was married to because I don't...maybe I used to.. but now I just miss being married... having a life with someone.. That's what I miss...
I miss not being alone and how good it felt to know that there was someone there that I could depend on. Someone who was there. The security... it is a helpless feeling to not have security.
I Believe...
Friday 07.23.04 [4:29 pm]
Searching... such a hopeless feeling to search for something that your not really for sure even exists. A monotonous sense of falling into nothingness.
Faith... is there such a thing, some wonder.. I do sometimes... maybe not if it exists, but what's it's purpose? Perhaps to build our hopes in someone or something only to be disappointed if not destroyed in the end, because we believed so much in something we had no proof of.
Yet we search for things that we have faith exists. Everyday hoping that our beliefs will be validated and what we believed will actually be true all because we have faith that it was so... and to know that we were right all along makes it all the more reason to believe in the things we choose to believe in...
I believe in destiny.. even though I have no proof to validate why I believe in it.. it's just a feeling.
I believe in fate... I believe everyone crosses paths in life for some reason, although it's up to us to not misinterpret the reasons for our coming together. Even though I can't tell you why I believe this,,, I believe it.
I believe in God... that we are all a part of something much more than we can comprehend exists, and that the human mind is capable of so much more than we could ever believe could be possible, because we are all a part of this higher conciousness, but we have yet to discover or "evolve" this higher conciousness.
I believe that life never ends... that we merely move from one state of being to another. That there is a beginning.. that we were all created from somewhere somehow.. and that our energy travels eternally in some form or another. Perhaps more so than we comprehend as well.
I believe in Love... that there is a love that we can all hold in our hearts for our fellow man/woman and love them without judgement or discrimination. I believe that there is a love within us if we choose to just allow ourselves to do so, that we can love everyone as we love ourselves, and accept everyone as we wish to be accepting no matter how hard it is to do.
I believe in you...
Yeah ramblings of a pshychofreakyjasonchick I know. Perhaps more suited for the BitchyWitchy blog as it doesnt seem at all part of my dark side.. but this is where it has landed and so I will keep it here..
My Angel
Sunday 07.18.04 [11:01 pm]
Can I cut you? Was a thought in mind, a frustrated need to taste you, to have you, to feel you, and be you.
The need to release all that burns within me upon your skin, still overtakes me in great force.
My mouth waters, my skin sweats, my clit throbs, my heart beats, my wettness flows at the scent of you, a touch of you, the sight of you, the thought of you.
I close my eyes to dream of you, I open them to look for you, I calm my mind to think on you, you stir my thoughts just in your presence, when I am with you I block out everything else, when we are apart my focus is on the next time I shall be with you.
I consume myself with you, with your smell, your sight, your sound, your feel, every detail of your face, my hand upon it taking you in, running my fingers through your hair, feeling your lips beneath them, breathing you into me as every breath of life you exhale becomes a part of me, your strong shoulders as I rub my hand across them, the warmth of your side and your hip as we lay together looking into one anothers eyes and I explore your breathtakingly captivating features.
The hardness of you I feel against me as we lay closely hugged into one another, and I long to wrap you up and take you into me each and every time. I am warm with thoughts of you, of you and I together. Constantly in my mind, as if I'm obsessed, I am obsessed, and I long to be more so. To have you completely and entirely.
You give me life it seems, it seems you give me many things. You give me love, you give me happiness, you give me passion, desire, peace, tranquility, confidence, support, understanding, longing, hunger, comfort, fear, frustration, satisfaction, so many things you give me,, I believe you actually give me everything that anyone could ever recieve.
With you I am everything, without you I am nothing, with you I am complete, without you I am missing something, with you I am content, without you I am searching, with you I am found, without you I am lost.
I am at one extreme to the other. I am as high as I can be, and as happy as I have ever been, and without you I am fallen as low as possible, and more miserable than I could ever imagine.
With you I am,,, free... with you,,, anything is possible.
You are the most beatuiful thing I have ever known to exist in reallity.
And I am honored, gracious, thankful, and elated that I should have the fortune to experience such happiness in my lifetime, when others are so much less fortunate.
I love you, my Angel.
An Exchange of Bites
Saturday 07.17.04 [12:24 am]
Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by.
Alone
Monday 07.05.04 [11:09 pm]
A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...
When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there?
Middle of Everything
Wednesday 06.23.04 [6:46 pm]
Which way do I go, I am all alone, the shadows whispering lies of idiocrisy.
Confusion, Delusions, renderings of a temporary eternity seems my destiny.
A car crash, a bag of trash, backroad ramblings of homicidal tendancies.
A bleeding touch, bleeds not too much, loosing the grasp on what's called sanity.
Philosophy, an exaggerated idea, in the exaggerated mind of a species.
An unknown parasite sucking the life of something that's already diseased..
Footsteps, handprints, a blood stained grass patch, my safely hid memories.
Here nor there everywhere and nowhere, the master of invisibility.
A henchmans noose, children of mother goose, missing parts of a fantasy.
The King has his Queen the Queen has her frog, the Dragon still must feast.
A Vampires Bite, a Werewolves night, come together and worship the beast.
Death from the Dead
Friday 06.18.04 [3:36 am]
A tap on my door, I turn in my bed,
Cold shadows in the land of the dead.
Whispers of voices inside my head,
I am not me but he and we instead.
Footsteps in my parlor, a creaking door,
Death with it's innocent stalking odor.
Thousands of souls reaching up from the floor,
I somehow find I'm still needing more.
Ivy covered stone, a forgotten rock,
Nothing more than a good thick hard cock.
Momories of sadistic cries that I mocked,
Suprising to see that in fact was a shock.
A freshly dug grave, in a not so safe place,
A demon's wings with an angelic face.
Scents of his love that once filled this space,
So strong yet impossible to trace.
Sing this song, with it's unholy tune,
By the light of the stars, the newly made moon.
Dance this dark dance, sway and swoon,
And hope that Forever finds you soon.
Blood on my hands, blood on my lips,
A hunger, a thirst, a grinding of hips.
Not in a gulp but in tiny sips,
The warrior his arsonal fully equipped.
The devil on horses, a ride in the sky,
One last request before you shall die.
A whimper, a struggle, happy you cried,
Last visions of a hurtfilled begging eye.
I killed myself last night
Tuesday 06.15.04 [11:17 am]
I killed myself last night.
That part which was most precious to me,
I tore it out and watched it bleed.
Then stole away to darkness.
Dreams haunted me after my self infliction.
I saw him, his eyes peircing through me,
My heart ached and my breath was taken away.
Running away from me when I needed him,
Yet I know that it is I that have fleed.
I woke this morning with an aching like no other.
I felt that part of me missing.
Sickening churning in my soul, I fight the urge to puke.
Guilt...
It tortures me today...
Following me, sticking me, reminding me that I hurt him.
Saddness,,,
I have felt it coming on stronger recently and now here the storm is here full force... yet I put myself there?
Why???
Because I don't want to hurt him..
Why should he suffer with me?
He deserves happiness, success, and love.
What am I?
The sky is covered with a grey veil this morning,
So very suiting to my mood..
Normally a calming to my mind and heart,
But today it is just a reminder of the gloom that hovers over me.
I feel cursed...
I would wish to seek out the witch who cast this curse on me, bleed her wicked heart, then drink that I may be so as she so as to not hurt anymore.
What is wrong with me?
That I would throw away happiness just to save happiness..
Maddness...
I feel it.. creeping slowly into my mind, reaking havock on my thoughts, poisoning my judgement, taking control of me...
Knowing the bad is moving to worse.. why would I put him here?
I do not deserve it... I am nothing...
I do not pity myself.. I hate myself.. the one I used to love lay within my heart, I grew to know her, to understand her, to love her,, myself..
And now such anger and despise I feel toward her...
Last night I wished to die..
To close my eyes and never wake from my sleep...
The thought of my life, and growing old, of knowing what my fate is... I wanted so much just to die...
I feel a curse but know that I have just cursed myself...
Loss,, I felt as if someone had died when I woke..
I felt as if I had died also..
I wish I had...
Sshhhhh
Sunday 06.13.04 [1:43 am]
Dark of night your eyes are piercing me,
My heart pounds so loud from fear I can hear it's beat.
Ssshhhh,,,
Silence, I pray you will not move and leave me alone for the rest of this night.
Marching footsteps of a thousand men,
A warriors chant echoes through the mountain side.
The heavy breath of nights solitude sends a shiver across my spine.
Knowing only moments until the firey torment of the daylight consumes my enitity.
I dare not close my eyes in fear I will sleep,
Yet my dreams beckon me to find peace.
The Wizard calls for me to rest,
But even the serentity of a witches song can not settle the unrest that stirs in my heart tonight.
I see her blade shining in the moonlight,
Seeking it's blood to be fullfilled.
My eyes close and for one moment and I am transported back to the familiarality of the castle.
The scents of candles and rock, a musty comfort fills me.
I forget this horrible place and remember the carved wooden furniture in my room.
The smell of maple.. the feel of stone beneath my feet...
Did I ever leave?
A crystal ball.. a pearl misty blue, transparent almost, sitting in the corner.
His face almost as transparent staring at me from the shadows, blending into the darkness.
Where did she go?
What of my fortune telling gypsy whom comforts this havock I seemingly fix myself upon?
Has she abandoned me as well?
Cool damp grass beneath me feet, my room just another memory.
The Witch's circle fades away from me and I am lost to them.
Daybreak,,,
I see it over the horizon making it's pink and orange announcements.
If I run fast enough perhaps I may escape it for a time.
Sshhhh,,,
Quietly move between fear driven breaths that fill the air so recognizably.
All seems impossible to me in this instance.
I feel lost.
Lost from safety of the Witch's Circle,
From the protection of the Wizards hat,
From the knowledge of the crystal ball,
From the comfort of the Gypsy's Fortune,
Lost from the Immortal kiss of his lips which has forgotten me.
Forgotten...
What a heart wrenching recognition...
Sshhhh,,,
They are coming,,,
Your stare doesn't falter, nor does your expression slighten..
What is it you are thinking of?
Here in darkness, with dawn's determined acknowledment,,,
What is you see that breaks not your gaze?
Do you not see the fate we have encountered this night?
All that is in me is fear,
Yet you sit unaffected, unmoved by the despair of our situation.
Sshhhhh,,
Did you hear it?
.:Imagine the Rain:.
Monday 05.31.04 [6:10 pm]
I know that I write alot about rain.. but you don't have to read it...
I wrote this about two weeks ago and I lost it.. so it's a late entry.
.:Imagine the Rain:.
Watching the clouds move in,
A feeling of peacefullness sweeps over me.
I feel the breeze on my face,
and I hear the wind
As it's breath hits the trees dancing
Dreamily with the leaves.
Slowly and softly at first
With it's whispers of a coming promise.
I hear the tapping as a light and misty rain
Begins it's melody on the ground.
I smell it...
I hear it...
I close my eyes and suddenly a thunderous echo of applause rushes my senses taking my breath away.
I feel the heavy beating upon my skin.
And I stand there captivated
By the sensation of what started out
A subtle insinuation of an idea
Is now very much an aggressive overtaking.
Covering the earth with its magic,
Filling the air with it's presence,
Removing the acknowledgment of any other sensation,
Chasing away any form of awareness...
I am lost,,,
But I am found...
Lost to everything that was before this possession,
But found completely and nutured by an unkown comforter.
I feel myself forgetting everything...
All that is real to me in this moment is the steady drums of the rainfall, the cool wet breeze against my skin, the clean sensation of the water washing over me, and the breath of enchantment.
I hear the thunder rolling becoming louder shaking every particle of my being, weakening my knees,,, I almost fall from the powerful voice taking control of my mind.
And then it hits me...
A lightening strike numbing my body and awakening places inside me that I never knew existed arousing an awareness that has never been known to me.
I feel it...
Coursing inside me,,,
Filling me with a power nonexistent to mortal touches or even concieved by touch.
A feeling that can only be felt from the inside of the very depths of the unreachable.
I see you...
Then suddenly almost as if waking from a dream,
I am shaken by the quickened stop which is as unexpected as the start.
I hear the echo fading into nowhere that I can follow,
Disipating, seemingly further away.
I reach out but there is nothing to grasp,
I open my eyes and watch it fade away
All the while wondering why I can't hold something that can hold me so intently...
Finally with saddened eyes I reallize it's gone...
Looking around me the stabbing gut wrench snaps me back into the real world..
What left behind in the mud and the gloom of nothingness..
A puddle, muddy ground, slippery grass, and a longing to possess something that is unpossessable.
.:Silver Links:.
Tuesday 05.25.04 [11:27 pm]
Silver Links between my teeth...
An all too familiar taste on my tongue unwantingly violtating my senses... again..
But I love it so don't I?
Metal clanking upon my teeth... the cool harshness upon my lips...
A bad thing followed by a good feeling...
Contradicting... a contradiction...
Silver links between my teeth..
Blood on my lips..
Violations of my mind and senses...
Desicration of my heart...
Silver links between my teeth...
.:Darkness:.
Sunday 05.16.04 [5:46 pm]
Why do you abandon me?
Now when I need you?
As usual, all there is to me is light...
I close the doors,
I close the windows,
I close my eyes... I close my mind;
Only to have you blinding me still.
Your wretched shinning raining down on me,,,
Do you not see that I hide?
You force me out of darkness,
A place I find comfort and solitude.
Into the uncomfort and restlessness...
Fucking shinning on me... how dare you!
If I had not sought this shadow I would have left it's wings...
Leave me,,, go now and let me wallow in pity and loneliness.
Let me weep in solitude and nonexistence.
I love it here,, I hate it when you show through the crevasses of my hole in the ground...
Intruding on my solice...
Quieting my silent screams....
So why do I miss you so?
Insanity to love this place, but miss that one..
I heard you knocking this morning...
begging me to rejoin the living.. I heard the knock..
And I did not answer although I loved the mere presence of you outside my hearts door.
Lingering here in the dark,,,
Hiding until you are gone...
I watch you leave... all along.. scared to death this will be the last time you knock at my door...
I curl up and hide again...
Waiting for the next time...
Wondering how long it will be until you knock again...
Or if you will...
The light slowly fades to darkness once more.. and I sleep again...
Poem
Sunday 05.16.04 [5:17 pm]
Hath any loved you well, down there,
Summer or winter through?
Down there, have you found any fair
Laid in the grave with you?
Is death's long kiss a richer kiss
Than mine was wont to be-
Or have you gone to some far bliss
And quite forgotten me?
What soft enamoriing of sleep
Hath you in some soft way?
What charmed death holdeth you with deep
Strange lure by night and day?
A little space below the grass,
Out of the sun and shade;
But worlds away from me, alas,
Down there where you are laid.
The broad quaint odorous leaves like hands
Weaving the fair day through,
Weave sleep no burnished bird withstands,
While death weaves sleep for you;
And many a strange rich breathing sound
Ravishes morn and noon:
And in that place you must have found
Death a delicious swoon-
Hold me no longer for a word
I used to say or sing:
Ah, long ago you must have heard
So many a sweeter thing:
For rich earth must have reached your heart
And turned the faith to flowers;
And warm wind stolen, part by part,
Your soul through faithless hours.
And many a soft seem must have won
Soil of some yielding thought,
To bring a bloom up to the sun
That else had ne'er been brought;
And, doubtless, many a passionate hue
Hath made that place more fair,
Making some passionate part of you
Faithless to me down there.
From "song from Chartivel"
MARIE DE FRANCE (THIRTEENTH CENTURY)
Love in the Graveyard
Monday 05.10.04 [3:33 am]
Do you know what you just did to me?
You just fullfilled my most desired fantasy...
and do you know what was the best thing about it?
I always imagined when I had sex in the graveyard... it would be... sex in the graveyard..
But it was more than that...
Because I love you... and I know that you love me..
It was love in the graveyard..
Lying there beneath that tree I have so often..
But in a totally new way..
I loved the feel of you inside me.
Everything around us standing still and at peace.
Looking into your eyes as you rocked beneath me.
The pleasure was so intense...
Did you feel it?
It was so awesome... I believe everytime we make love it becomes more intense for me..
And I believe I want you even more the next time...
You feel so powerful between my legs,
Your thrusts send waves inside me that I almost can't control, and this is why I ask you to slow down...
You are so passionate sometimes its overwhelming.
When I first met you I would have never imagined us in heated moments as we have been, as specially as we were moments ago, under a tree, the wind perfectly blowing upon our skin, the gravestones cloaking our sillouettes, amongst the forever slumbering, with the stars bearing witness to our desires. No I could never have imagined such moments. Nor could I have ever imagined that my love for you would be as great as it has become.
Oh my Dark Angel, you awaken something in me.
I want to release it upon you, feel the slippery substance running down your length.
Can we go back there...
Can we make love amongst the stones, upon the grass, beneath the tree over and over...
I wanted so to lay with you.
To collapse beside you and just fall asleep in your arms and remain so until sun rise.
And now images of your hand on my shoulder and another on my hips as you bend me over a perfectly positioned stone fill my mind...
Or perhaps you above me as I lay across one of tombs in the field pounding away in your powerful thrusts, your hair flowing across your face in the wind, and your eyes passoinately intently locked upon mine. So many images of what we just did and what we could do are filling my senses at this moment.
I think we just opened something inside me,,,
And I think I like it
Hurt
Sunday 05.09.04 [10:48 am]
Maybe I'm over reacting... I do tend to feel extremely crushed when my feelings are hurt,,, and I do tend to get them hurt easily...
Not to say that I don't have a valid reason for being hurt... I definately have a right to feel hurt... it was an emotionally hurtful thing.
Perhaps this is all my fault..
I allowed myself to become completely consumed by someone almost to the point of obssession.. errrr... well ok yeah I'm obssessed. And I did it fully knowing what was going on...
From the start of it I knew I was going to be completely head over heels, mad, crazy, totally into him. And I let myself,,,
I totally said to myself that I didn't want to try to control or smother my feelings for him.. I wanted to feel what I was feeling because it was a 'good' thing. And I had feelings that I had never had before, thus I was scared if I tried to manipulate or deny any feelings I had, then I may be missing out on something real.
And now here I sit...
Hurt...
Wondering what is going on his head... what is going on in his heart... wondering where I am in the mix of all his thoughts and feelings... wondering why... why is it that he can look at me and supposedly so into me, call me anothers name...
Why do people do that..
I have...
But it wasn't like they were on my mind or anything.. it was more like I had been around the person so much and so long that it was routine and a reflex sorta to call their name in general everday things...
And sure others are on my mind at times but not to the point that I would confuse the person I love with them... by no means... normally if someone else is on my mind it's not positive thoughts I have of them anyway...
And of course this is the way 'I' am and not the way others are...
But in general... if you mention someone more than usual, you think about them more than usual, or they are on your mind so that thier name is stuck in your head... as specially if this is someone you have not had in your life for some time... then there must be something more...
Do you agree???
All I know is now I'm gonna wonder if its me he's thinking about or someone else...
My heart hurts..
I lay here in the floor last night until now... feeling like theres a brick inside my chest... feeling like I could throw up my stomach is in such knots... closing my eyes and seeing his looking into mine,,,
Yes I'm hurt...
But as always... I'll get over it... and then there will be a next time... and I'll lay here typing my feelings out on the fucking keypad wishing I could throw the dam thing out the fucking window...
I used to feel so much better to get my feelings out here, but lately it doesn't offer much comfort...
Lately my comfort has come from the touch of his hands.. the gaze of his stare... his compassion and understanding... the love of his heart... I have not had to come to this place in which I'm not even sure where it is or where it goes or who it reaches... I've had somewhere...
And suddenly this morning...
A feeling consumes me that I've not had in a very long time...
I am lost...
Bathtime
Saturday 05.08.04 [7:48 pm]
I lay here in this steaming hot water and my mind as always is on you.
Your smile, your eyes, the way you laugh, the way you speak to me, the way you touch me.
Always spinning thinking about every detail of our time together and remembering you from my memory.
I lie flat on the floor of the tub with my ears slightly submersed in the water so that all sound is drowned from my ears, I hear the thunder of the running water beating down into the tub.
I remember us in the shower.
I was lying on the floor of your shower and you were above me, the shower raining down on us was cool because we had run out most of the hot water from our extended bathtime leading to other things.
Your long wet hair around me in that tarzanic style you carry so well.
I was so nervous but it was so invigorating. To have you touching me in places normally only I touch in the sanctity of the shower, in that situation, to be totally nude and exposed to you, I felt... free...
The radio singing a song that I never even paid attention to because all I could see was your blue eyes taking me in and I wanted to take you in so badly... all of you,,, in every way...
I reallize I am very turned on from this sensual memory of you... and I have to touch myself... the beating water echoes in my ears beneath the surface and I pull my legs up to me easing down to where faucet is set allowing the water to beat upon my freshly shaven lips I take my fingers spreading them apart so that my clit recieves the thundering pulse of warmth. I close my eyes..
I can see your eyes gazing at me as you do when you have your tounge on me there. I imagine you are there now...
Your hair resting on my thighs, on my stomach, with my hands and fingers tangled into it length as you kiss and slurp away between my slit
The water is filling in the tub minimizing the intensity of the flow upon my swollen spot and I am frustrated... lifting myself to the faucet it feels almost as if it's actually a head job, however nothing compared to the spit from your mouth and the flick of your tongue against my hardened clit, I am definately in full fantasy of your tongue teasing pleasure. The way you kiss me there soars through my brain as the pounding water is hitting just the right spot and I cum jerkingly into the water...
And I lay here missing you so...
Isolation
Sunday 04.25.04 [2:04 pm]
Knock Knock, who the fuck is there? Do you not see the sign? Don't you even care? knocking knocking how can you be so rude? Violation of my Isolation caught in the nude. Excuses you can puke on for desecrating my sanctum for the day, why the fuck won't you just GO AWAY!!! Shut the fuck up, I don't care what you need, will you just leave me alone so that I may fucking bleed. Where did the night go? What's up with this sun? Even mother nature seems to have me on the run... Go away daylight, I pray for the moon, I should have been here all along, locked inside this tomb. My time is running out, my isolation is ending, How can I steal more time to complete this comprehending. I want to run away, hide from all who can see, I wish to be invisible, or just not to be me. Darkness Darkness Darkness,,, I do so long, tell me Mr. Clock Maker,,, do you hear my song? Digging Digging Digging,,, I feel the shuffling in my mind, Secret place of solitude no longer mine... stolen, ripped away, opened without keys, do you not reallize who is really me? Keep myself to myself, my thoughts are my own, words are yours if I choose not to be alone, Crawling away hoping you don't follow, will you just go away so that I can fucking wallow? No not you, you not them, them not them, but those, those wretched mortals, who think that they know. Many people in the lines of this crap, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I love you, I need you but I don't, sometimes I just want to be alone. I know you are there I still feel you with me, patiently awaiting the return of my sanity. I wish you could understand how fucked up I am, It's not you it's me, psychobabbling Sam.. all the puzzle peices strown on the ground, do you know they will not be found? Ringing Ringing the phone is ringing in the other room,,, who the fuck is that,,, entering my tomb? Ring mother fucker for all that you can, I will ignore your ringing in this forsaken land... forsaken yes, desperate feeling of old, nothing for you, I have always felt cold. I had a dream last night, of being alone. I'm waiting for a bus that doesn't ever come. I search for a way out, but there is none, I sit there all day tortured by the sun. I don't understand why, when the bus brought me here, I see it on the hill on the horizon, but it doesn't draw near, It's parked and empty the driver is inside, and I cannot get off the hill in which I hide. I see my family,,, I follow them to a building, many rooms inside I know my help lies within, I knock on many doors but no answer or reply, I know you are in there so why do you hide, will you not help me, anyone in here? If I didn't want you, then you would be near. Waiting to assist, longing to comfort me, but in my time of need, you are no where to be. I knock and knock on every door there, yet no one comes to answer my prayer. Back to reallity the phone is ringing again, who the fuck is on the other end? I will never know because I will not pick it up,,, so whoever you are shut the fuck up!
.:Wizard:.
Wednesday 04.14.04 [1:02 am]
I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy.
My Friend Darkness
Wednesday 04.14.04 [12:36 am]
Welcome darkness,,, you may linger for your presence comforts me. I understand you for you are my understanding, and perhaps the only one who understands me. Painted upon the walls of my mind and echoing your hollow melodic chants in the shadows of my heart, I am happy you abide with me in this lonesome realm of no significance. My ever so faithful companion in a world of solitude, do not fear me for I fear you not, nay I fear you not. You are
Red On Gray
05.11.05 (6:22 pm) [edit]I am happy to be here with you. Here in this place where I am all alone. Poisoning my mind, you, peculiar memory that seems to linger as a disease that has no cure.
I cut my wrists today, just to see the color red and taste the bittersweet essence of life upon my tongue. A beautiful dark shade against all of this gray and nothingness. Sitting there watching the splatters on the ground create a beautiful work of art. At first in vibrant glossy color and then eventually drying to dark almost black in this darkness as I lingered there watching, unable to move my eyes from it.
I reached out to feel it upon my fingertips as if to prove to myself it does actually exist. I felt the crust of it's dryness and in saddness I withdrew my touch.